Power of the Word ‘No’
‘Learn how to say ‘no’ and change your life’ is a bold statement. However that statement is about self respect and boundaries. If we put up boundaries and say ‘no’ more often, it immediately shows the world we have self respect. That in it of itself can change your life, change opportunities presented to you and alter others perceptions of you. Some people in your life, work or personal, will push your limits. They will do so to see how far they can go. Each ‘yes’ you give that deep down is a ‘no’, just continues to give others a green light to continue to push our boundaries. But it’s our own fault. We let it happen. We have the power to say ‘no’ and set boundaries, so why is it so difficult?
According to social psychologist Susan Newman, PhD, author of the 2005 book “The Book of NO: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It — And Stop People-Pleasing Forever“, it’s not surprising that people say yes to requests when they probably shouldn’t. Most people have a hard time turning down requests, says Newman. Being unable to say no is unfair to ourselves. This behavior typically stems from our wanting to reassure that we make others feel comfortable and to be accommodating. We disregard our own feelings and think we are being unselfish. This is a common mindset for women, as society has told us if women say no they are being problematic and not a team player. However, if a man says no we view them as being decisive and respect that choice.
Just because you feel you should say yes, doesn’t mean you have to. There are many times we let peer pressure, guilt, or anxiety rule our decisions when we really don’t want to do something. So lets start to incorporate the word ‘no’ into our vocabulary.
So Why Do We Say ‘Yes’
Think about a time when you said ‘yes’, when you really wanted to say ‘no’. Maybe it was a party invitation, maybe it was for work, or a date. You are approached with this decision and your brain is saying NO. Yet somehow a ‘yes’ comes out of your mouth, or some version of a yes, could be a ‘sure’ or ‘maybe’ or even ‘let me get back to you’. So think back to that situation, why did you say yes?!
Many times people say yes to avoid confrontation. Sometimes they don’t want to get into why they are saying ‘no’, which could lead into an uncomfortable difficult conversation. Or maybe you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. It can even be the expectations others have of you and you don’t want to let them down. Some individuals are people pleasers and don’t want to disappoint anyone or they can cave into peer pressure. Some people say yes due to the fear of missing out, aka FOMO! They think they don’t want to be the only person not being a part of that experience. Other people are compulsive and just say yes as a first reaction.
Whatever your reason is for saying yes, its something that only you can change. We say yes for different reasons for different situations usually, but there are nice, polite, respectful, appropriate ways to say ‘no’ and still give yourself that respect you deserve. So lets learn the reasons why saying ‘no’ is valuable and can change your life.
Why Saying ‘No’ Is Valuable
When we learn how to say ‘no’ it can change the direction of our actions and our paths. The power of saying ‘no’ is often underestimated but is crucial for maintaining personal boundaries, prioritizing your own needs, and preserving your time and energy. Here are some reasons why saying ‘no’ can be powerful:
- Setting boundaries: Saying ‘no’ allows you to establish and communicate your personal boundaries. It helps you define what is acceptable and what is not, ensuring that others understand your limits and respect them. This can be utilized in creating a work life balance as well.
- Preserving your time and energy: By saying ‘no’ to tasks, commitments, or requests that don’t align with your goals, values, or priorities, you can focus on what truly matters to you. It helps you avoid overloading yourself and burning out.
- Prioritizing yourself: Saying ‘no’ allows you to prioritize your own well-being and self-care. It gives you the opportunity to allocate time for activities that recharge you, improve your skills, or contribute to your personal growth.
- Enhancing decision-making: When you say ‘no,’ you become more intentional about your choices. It enables you to evaluate opportunities and obligations more critically, ensuring that you commit to those that align with your goals and values.
- Strengthening assertiveness: Saying ‘no’ can be empowering, as it helps you develop assertiveness skills and self-confidence. It allows you to express your needs and desires without feeling guilty or obliged to please others. It demonstrates your level of emotional intelligence as well, you can be assertive but kind.
- Building respect and healthy relationships: When you say ‘no’ respectfully and honestly, it fosters healthy communication and sets the tone for open and transparent relationships. It encourages others to appreciate your honesty and authenticity.
- Creating space for personal growth: Saying ‘no’ to certain commitments or requests opens up space in your life for new opportunities, experiences, and personal growth. It enables you to explore new avenues and seize opportunities that align more closely with your aspirations. Changing to a growth mindset can really help you set the stage for personal growth and practicing this exercise.
How to Say ‘No’
Some of you are thinking well I don’t know HOW to say ‘no’. I’m not used to it or I don’t know how to start practicing. Now I am not saying you start going around saying ‘no’ to everyone about everything. This mindset of saying ‘no’ to something is regarding something that you really don’t want to do. If you don’t want to go to a party because you would rather sit at home on your couch snuggling with your dog, eating ice cream and watching Netflix, then that is exactly what you should do without feeling guilty! You do you! So what are some steps to take to make that happen.
- Rehearse – If you have been given some time to provide a response then practice what you will say before. Think of what you would prefer to hear as a decline.
- Honesty – Be honest about not wanting to do something, there is no need to lie, because once you start doing that it negates your need and right to say ‘no’
- Alternatives – Offer up maybe a different idea, day, time, or event that you can do instead as a way to soften the blow
- Response Time – Think about the response before you give it. It’s ok to take your time or tell them you will have to get back to them. It’s ok to do that.
Here is an example of how to say ‘no’:
“Thank you for inviting me. I really appreciate you including me and being thoughtful; however, I won’t be able to make it. I would still really enjoy meeting up with you. I’ll look at my schedule for some dates I’m available, so we can spend some time together.”
As you move through these steps on learning how to say ‘no’ to others, a part of this process is doing some self reflection as to why you would have said ‘yes’. At this point you have declined but at one point you were going to say ‘yes’. Why? Think about that specific situation, that moment, that person, and what about it prevented your first response to be ‘no’.
On the flip side, also do an assessment as to why you are wanting to say ‘no’ in the first place. Is it a party invite and you are in introvert that does not enjoy those situations or are you fearful of something or are you nervous? Or could it be you suffer from imposter syndrome, and feel as though maybe you don’t belong somewhere. Again it’s important to understand the whys behind your responses to be better be able to practice the art of saying ‘no’. This is also a great way to practice self-confidence and ensuring you are putting yourself first.
Final Thoughts
While saying ‘no’ is powerful, it’s important to remember that it should be done respectfully and tactfully. It’s possible to decline requests without causing harm or offense to others. Finding a balance between saying ‘no’ and saying ‘yes’ to the right things is key to harnessing the power of this simple word. Remember do what YOU want to do, not what you feel you have to or should do. ‘No’ is powerful and can have an overall altering affect on your life.
